From the moment I could start to speak, I was always known as the happiest kid and to this day it stands. People telling my mother “your son always has a smile on his face.” Behind a ton of smiles is a depth that seems unimaginable to grasp from another’s perspective. A smile of hope and gratitude behind subconscious fear and lack. A smile that can feel love joy so deeply in tandem with the known suffering of self and all who exist. A smile of freedom, driven by a consistent longing for the unknown. A smile that craves connection and partnership but beams for the content of self independence and self love cultivated through unfathomable storms and sunny days. A smile that turns fear into trust and shame into pride. A smile that experiments with self identity, enabling flowers to bloom for self instead of other. A smile behind consistent misunderstanding to a deeper understanding of self and authentic power to see oneself as a unique special entity that deserves to be heard from within.
To be a manifestation of creation, shows me I truly am capable of stepping into new versions of myself; with a smile that holds the array of emotions I felt from 1999 until I return to the space that I understand and know best.
So why Substack? Why create a blog? Why not continue growing my Instagram? - I have struggled to find a platform that could allow me to express my internal world, the part of me who makes me Connell, the special being that I am. I am ready to share my emotions, my wisdom, my experiences, my thoughts with those who will read. I may not be the best writer with perfect grammar, punctuation, and grandiose words but I do have a need to connect with others through words and shared experiences. I am eager to share how it felt growing up queer in a white, sometimes unstable, Catholic family, being bullied at a young age, struggling with mental health and self identity, my experiences moving from Philadelphia to LA at 23, evolving alongside social media as a young adult, dealing with relationships etc etc etc etc.
As a 24 year old fitness instructor in Los Angeles, I truly am tired of looking up to influencers who just post about their parties and million dollar brand deals, it makes me feel very separated and unheard. I know many people my age feel that tremendously. We, including myself, can get lost in the whirlwind of social media and I have a drive and intention to use it purposefully. A quieter place where we can get raw, we can be honest and express our truth and I want you to be apart of it to build something bigger. So that you, myself and others recognize that even if its unspoken, we all deal with similar insecurities and struggles… we have each other to lean a shoulder on and lend a hand to.
I am still figuring out what specific niche I want to make this but hey, I do not need to be too rigid, just allow it all to flow. If you took the time to read this, thank you from the bottom of my heart, I hope you will stay and experience all of this with me.
Love,
Connell
